I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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