3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
