I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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