No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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