So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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