I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
