look no pants
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Randomize
