Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
