It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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