Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
