you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
