I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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