So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm really busy with my period
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
