I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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