I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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