Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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