I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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