how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
