When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just google imaged poop.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I AM VODKA MAN
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
