I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
