I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
