I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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