Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
