Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
