Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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