I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
