Do you still have your period?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
