Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
