If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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