My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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