Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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