Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
