i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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