she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize