highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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