I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
