He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
