No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
