I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
