really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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