from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
