Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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