Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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