Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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