Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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