Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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