Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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