If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
