my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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