do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
