my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
whose ass print is on the piano?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
