i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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