my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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