Tell her she can't have a vagina
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
