I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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