Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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