she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
