Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
