I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
